Helping children understand death

Death is rarely an easy subject to discuss with a child. However, it is important to talk about it because it is part of life. Here are some tips to get you started.

If your child is grieving, you may also want to read:

• Children and the death of a loved one (under age 5) (in French only)
• Mourning in children (after age 5) (in French only)

How do children understand death?

Usually around the age of 3 or 4, children start to have questions abo ut death. At this age, they are trying to understand the world. They ask questions based on what they see and experience. For example, they might ask “Why isn’t the bird on the lawn moving anymore?” or “Why did our cat die?”.

Before the age of 5, children have a limited understanding of death. They know that when a person dies, their heart stops beating and that they cannot hear or speak anymore. But children have trouble understanding that death is permanent. They think it is temporary and that the person will come back.

They also haven’t yet grasped that everyone dies eventually. Children tend to think that only the elderly die.

Between the ages of 5 and 7, as their reasoning skills develop, children start to understand that anyone can die. By the age of 9, children understand that death is universal, irreversible, permanent, and an inevitable part of life.

How to explain death to your child

It’s a good idea to start talking to your child about death before someone they know dies. This helps keep the conversation from becoming too emotional. You don’t have to wait until your little one asks questions about death to bring it up.

Here are a few ways to explain death to your child:

• Use the cycle of life in nature as a starting point. For example, when your child is 2 or 3, point out that tree buds appear in spring, leaves grow during the summer, then wither, die, and fall off in the fall. You can also talk about bugs, flowers, birds, or fish. This shows your little one that every living thing has a life cycle. Explain that it’s the same for people.
• Explain that, sometimes, living things are seriously ill or suffering so much that they can’t stay alive. But remember that people and animals can also recover from their illnesses and live a long life.
• Tell your child that when someone dies, it’s forever. They can’t come back. This will help your little one understand the permanence of death. Reassure them that they can think about happy times they had with the deceased and that it will help them feel a little better.
• Be as open and frank as possible. When talking to your child about death, approach the subject with tact and sensitivity.
• Let your child lead the conversation. Encourage them to share their thoughts and ask questions. Answer them as best you can.
• Don’t hide the fact that some things are difficult to understand, even for adults. And if you don’t have answers to their questions, let them know.
• If your child is afraid of dying, let them talk about their fears and what they’re imagining. Then, reassure them by explaining that death is usually something that happens when you’re older. Answer their questions honestly.

Words to avoid when talking about death

Don’t shelter your child from reality. Avoid euphemisms like “sleeping,” “leaving,” “passing,” or “lives in the sky” when explaining death.

If you tell your child that Grandpa has “gone to sleep,” your little one may be afraid to go to bed in case they die, too.

The same applies if you say that Grandma has “gone away” on a long trip, or that she “lives in the sky” now. They may wait for Grandma to return and become anxious whenever a loved one goes on a trip. They might also hope to see their grandmother in the sky whenever they go on a plane trip.

If illness is the cause of death, explain it to your child using clear and simple language: “Grandma had cancer. It’s a very serious disease. Sometimes, people recover, but not always.”

Be sure to explain that only very serious illnesses can lead to death. Otherwise, they might fear dying if they get a cold, or be afraid that you will die if you get sick. Additionally, reassure them that death is not contagious.

How to answer a child’s questions about death

Usually, a child’s questions about death stem from a natural curiosity, but they can also be a sign of anxiety. Straightforward answers will help ease their anxiety and satisfy their curiosity. If you cannot answer with certainty, simply say that you don’t have all the answers.

Here are some ideas to provide answers when your little one has questions about death.

Why do people die?

“Usually, we die because we get old. Over time, our bodies get worn out and can no longer work. This is the cycle of life: we are born, we grow up, become an adult, then grow older and older, and eventually we die. Sometimes, people die before getting old because they have a disease that cannot be cured, or because they are in a serious accident.”

Do we know when we are going to die?

“No, no one knows when they are going to die. Generally, we die when we are very old. It can happen before you’re old, if you have a very serious illness that can’t be cured or are in a very serious accident.”

What happens when you die?

“Our heart stops beating and our body stops working. There is no more life left in our body. This means that we cannot breathe anymore, our blood does not circulate anymore, and our brain doesn’t work anymore. We don’t feel anything anymore.”

Where do we go when we die?

“We put the body in a coffin. Usually, family and friends gather to say goodbye, and after that the body is buried. They body can also be burned and the ashes kept in a special container called an urn. After that, the body of the dead person is no longer there, but we can still remember them, for example by looking at photos.”

You can also share your religious beliefs, but be sure to tell them that not everyone has the same beliefs. Explain that, even though the person is dead, your child can still love the deceased and remember how much they were loved in return.

Are you going to die?

“Yes, I will die one day. Everybody dies, it’s part of life. I hope this happens a long time from now. I will surely be very old. And you will be too. For now, I am here and I am in good shape and health.”

Things to keep in mind

• Before age 5, it is still difficult for a child to understand death.
• To talk to your child about death, you can start by using the cycle of life in nature.
• Do not shield your child from reality, but use simple words so that they understand.

Scientific review: Josée Jacques, grief psychologist Research and copywriting:The Naître et grandir team Updated: November 2025

Photo: GettyImages/fizkes