We know that parents who have a strong social network receive more help and feel less burnt out. But did you know that all the loving people in your child’s life also play a part in helping them thrive?
By Julie Leduc
We know that parents who have a strong social network receive more help and feel less burnt out. But did you know that all the loving people in your child’s life also play a part in helping them thrive?
Having kids takes a lot out of you! It’s normal to need help. In fact, helping each other look after children is in our nature, says Carl Lacharité, professor emeritus at the Université du Québec à Trois-Rivières and an associate researcher at the CEIDEF. “For humans, it truly takes a village to raise a child,” he says. This may be due to the amount of care babies require and our long childhoods.
As a result, parents benefit from being in contact with loved ones, but so do their children, explains Lacharité. “To develop properly, children need repetition, variety, and novelty. No matter how much you bring to the table as a parent, your child still needs to be around other people.”
Multiple benefits
Relationships with the people in their lives, such as family and friends, provide different sources of stimulus and double or triple a child’s exposure to elements that are essential to their development. “A child who only feels safe with their parents will have trouble developing their self-confidence,” says Lacharité. “But if they often spend time around other people and are able to feel safe with their grandparents, aunt, uncle, or family friends, they’ll be more self-assured.”
When your child spends time with other relatives and people in their social circle, they form relationships beyond the parent-child bond. “This helps them open up to the world and encourages them to explore,” says psychologist, author, and speaker Nathalie Parent. According to Lacharité, every aspect of a child’s development benefits from the presence of a social network that offers both security and stimulus. “It has a positive impact on not only their social skills, but also their language skills, intelligence, and motor skills,” he says.
For example, when a relative or a neighbour talks to a young child, they often don’t understand them as well as the child’s parents do. “They’ll ask the child to repeat themself,” says Parent. “This forces them to find different words and develop their language skills to get their message across.”
By spending time with people other than you, your child is exposed to different stimuli and learns new things.
This means that it’s to your advantage to encourage involvement from family and friends, as long as those people truly want to be involved in your child’s life and have their best interests at heart.
Suzanne Lavigueur, an honorary professor in the Department of Psychoeducation and Psychology at the Université du Québec en Outaouais, believes that a person who judges a child and does not accept them for who they are will not have a positive relationship with that child. “The relationship can also be harmful if the person criticizes the parent in front of the child,” she says. “For example, a child should not be put in the middle of a conflict between their mother and grandmother.”
Fortunately, most of the time, a family’s social network has a positive influence. “People with emotional and biological ties to a child tend to want to take care of them,” says Lacharité. And they play an important role in their life.
Children with special needs |
For parents of kids with special needs, involving family and friends in their child’s life can be a challenge. “Sometimes, the parents are uncomfortable asking for help and are afraid of being judged,” says Suzanne Lavigueur. “Other times, the people in the parent’s support network are afraid that they won’t be able to give the child the care they need or just don’t understand the child’s situation well enough.” In both cases, she suggests giving those around you an opportunity to see what your child’s life is like firsthand. “For example, you could take your child to visit their grandparents or friends, but stick around in case they need anything. You could also invite friends or family to join you on an outing.” Another option is to connect with people in similar circumstances through support groups or specialized organizations. |
The important role of grandparents
Grandparents who take an active role in their grandchild’s life have a positive effect on the child’s self-esteem. “Grandparents often have unconditional love for their grandchildren,” says Parent. “Children pick up on this and it helps them feel confident in themselves and their abilities.” Grandparents often have more free time and more parenting experience without carrying the burden of parental responsibilities. “They do things simply for the pleasure of being with their grandkids, and that makes young children feel important,” adds Lavigueur. The patience and tolerance grandparents often show can also be a source of comfort. For example, they may respond less negatively when a child misbehaves.
Lavigueur has also noted the positive effects of maternal grandmother involvement in her work on vulnerable mothers. “In a study, many young moms felt that their mother played an important role in their child’s life.” The grandmothers in the study helped out financially with childcare, but they also provided emotional security for the child by playing with them, consoling them, and spending time with them, for example. Other studies have even shown that a good relationship with a loving grandmother can reduce the negative impact of having a less affectionate mother.
Read our feature on grandparents and learn more about their role and benefits.
How open are parents to involvement from others? |
According to the experts we consulted, parents are generally open to their loved ones being involved in their children’s lives. “However, some parents are more protective than others and find it hard to trust other people with their child,” says psychologist Nathalie Parent. These parents should try to keep in mind that their support network isn’t there to replace them. It’s there to complement what they offer to their child. On the flip side, friends and family sometimes worry about being a bother, not knowing what to do with the child, or becoming the default babysitter. If this is the case, parents can slowly integrate their support network into their child’s life by paying short visits to Grandma or a friend, for instance, or sending photos or a drawing to an uncle. Over time, these relationships will deepen. If, however, a parent’s anxiety or a family conflict is preventing their child from spending time with other people, Parent believes it can be a good idea to try to address the situation. Meeting with a psychologist or social worker, for example, can help parents overcome their fears or get to the root of the conflict. |
Family roots
Knowing where we come from gives us a sense of security. When grandparents share their memories, children understand that they have a history and belong to a long line of ancestors, says Parent. This helps them develop their sense of identity. The same is true when grandparents share their skills and knowledge. For example, when Grandma tends the vegetable garden or Grandpa repairs the lawnmower, children learn to appreciate the practicality and satisfaction of doing things by themselves. They slowly realize that they are keeping their family’s knowledge and values alive.
Grandparents also provide stability. For example, they can step in when a second child is born or when a parent falls ill. “It’s very reassuring for a child to go to their grandparents’ home and maintain their routine,” says Suzanne Lavigueur.
Seeing their grandparents on a regular basis can also help children cope better with parental separation. As a result, separated parents should try to maintain the relationship between their child and their ex-partner’s parents, even if they’re angry with each other, says Nathalie Parent. “Children who are going through a lot of changes need to maintain some degree of stability and be reassured that some things won’t change.”
Aunts, uncles, friends, and co.
Aunts, uncles, friends, and neighbours also have a lot to offer. Author and editor Marianne Prairie believes in the importance of social networks for not only parental support, but also child development. She’s seen the benefits firsthand with her daughters, who were very close with Marianne’s friends and neighbours when they were little. “It really helped for them to be around other adults. It gave them other role models.” It was like her daughters were part of one big family!
With aunts, uncles, friends, and neighbours, things work differently than they do at home. When they’re with these other people, your child learns to adapt. “They learn that other people have different rules, different ways of doing things, and different lifestyles,” says Parent. “They learn to adjust.” They can also learn new things by doing activities they wouldn’t otherwise do. For example, they might learn about fish by going fishing with an uncle or learn yoga by going to a class with a cousin.
“I find that kids who are used to being around different people are more curious and adapt better to change,” says Prairie. Suzanne Lavigueur notes that having regular contact with other people gives children more people they can turn to later on, once they become teenagers, if they need support or they feel uncomfortable talking about something with their parents. “It’s such a valuable gift!” she says. Being around different people also helps children learn to respect and accept others.
Cities: Supporting families
An increasing number of cities across Quebec are making efforts to improve their support for families by adopting family policies. These policies address various aspects of community life, including sports and leisure, cultural activities, real estate development, and access to arenas, parks, and other municipal facilities.
In addition, cities are increasingly offering flexible activities that better align with parents’ schedules, such as block parties, family days, and shows for kids. Families can attend these activities whenever their schedules allow, without having to register ahead of time or sign up for a full session. In addition, many cities offer free activities like outdoor movie nights and story hours.
Community organizations: Valuable partners
Community organizations in cities also play an important role in the lives of families and children. For example, some run workshops or drop-in daycare centres where children can socialize. Thus, they’re a complementary source of stimulation away from the home environment.
Other organizations provide respite services, telephone support, and psychological support to parents. Some also offer coffee chats and seminars on child development and other aspects of parenting.
These organizations give parents the opportunity to share their experiences and support each other. Their services also benefit kids, as they can have a positive effect on children’s socialization or overall development, for example.