Dealing with a child who hits

As a parent, it can be unsettling when your child hits you or others. There are several reasons why children act this way. How should you respond when your child reacts with aggression?

Why do children hit?

There are many reasons why children may act aggressively:

• They are upset by a limit or instruction that goes against what they want. They react this way because they still have limited self-control and don’t yet have the words to express their emotions. As they grow, and with support, they will gradually learn to regulate their emotions and respond in different ways.
• Another child has taken a toy from them. Pushing or hitting can be a reflex to defend their space. Because the toy was in their hands, they feel it belongs to them and react when it’s taken away. Before the age of 3, the part of the brain that helps them think before acting is not yet fully developed.
• They feel jealous of the attention given to a younger sibling or someone else. Hitting can be a way to express sadness or disappointment.
• They feel afraid, threatened, or like their personal space is being invaded. Hitting may be a reflex to protect themselves. Some children are more sensitive than others to touch or physical proximity. Over time, they’ll learn to express themselves instead of lashing out.
• They have a more spontaneous or outgoing temperament. This can make it harder to control their actions when emotions take over. With guidance and support, they will gradually learn other ways to respond than with hitting.
• They need to move and let out their energy but don’t know how yet. Free play and pretend play (e.g., throwing a ball, play fighting, or sword fighting) help them learn when to stop so they don’t hurt others and how to channel their energy.
• They’re testing their limits. They may think their parents will give in if they hit.
• They’re exposed to tension or aggression (e.g., conflict between parents, unspoken tension, or exposure to intense or violent video games). Their behaviour may reflect what they are experiencing in their environment.
• They’re trying to assert their independence. By hitting, they may be trying to push parents away because they feel that cuddles or help are preventing them from exploring on their own.

The importance of responding quickly

Your child has the right to be upset or angry, but they need to learn to express these big feelings in acceptable ways. Aggressive behaviour toward you or others should not be ignored or minimized. Intervene right away when your child hits you or someone else.

Social skills begin at home. As soon as your child understands the word “no,” they can begin to understand the limits you set.

Your child needs limits. By explaining what is and isn’t acceptable to them in simple terms, you’ll make them feel safe and help them develop their ability to relate to others. And it’s by respecting your limits that your child learns to recognize appropriate behaviour when boundaries are expressed—not only with adults, but also with other children.

Even if your child seems to react negatively at first, consistency in your response will pay off over time and help them feel secure. Gradually, they will understand what you expect and develop better ways to express these challenging emotions.

What should you do if your child hits?

• Calmly and firmly tell your child that hitting is not okay. For example: “It’s not okay to hit your brother. In our family, we don’t hit,” or “You’re allowed to feel angry, but I won’t let you hurt me.” Get down to your child’s level and look them in the eye when you speak. Never ignore hitting, even if no one gets hurt.
• If your child looks at you while hitting, they may be seeking a reaction or attention. Put what you’re seeing into words: “I think you want my attention. Can you find another way to let me know?” To meet their need for attention, spend positive one-on-one time with them at other moments.
• If your child seems jealous of the attention you’re giving someone else, name the feeling and help them express it in an appropriate way (e.g., using words, asking for attention, gently touching you to show they need you).

• Call for a cool-down break. If your child is overwhelmed by their emotions, they may not be able to stop on their own. To help them, direct them to a quiet space nearby. Offer ways to release their anger safely (e.g., yelling into or hitting a pillow) or to calm down (e.g., hugging a stuffed toy). Stay close so they feel supported, while giving both of you the space to cool down.
• Offer your little one a comforting hug—but only if they want one. Some children calm down when held, while others find physical contact difficult if they’re already overwhelmed. Pay attention to your child’s cues and adapt to their needs.
• Once your child has settled down, acknowledge what they were feeling and share how you felt. Help them find another way to express themselves. For example: “I think you were upset because..., but hitting isn’t okay. Can you find another way to tell me what’s bothering you?”
• Praise your child’s efforts. If they moved away on their own or used a strategy you’ve practised (e.g., a pillow or a stuffed toy), point it out. Recognizing their efforts is important.

When should you seek help?

Consult a psychologist, psychoeducator, or your local CLSC psychosocial intake service if:

• Your child continues to hit despite you trying several redirection strategies
• You feel overwhelmed or unsure how to respond
• The situation continues for more than six months

If your family is going through a stressful situation (e.g., bereavement, separation, blended family changes, illness, moving, or a parent’s military deployment), your child may sense that you’re less available. As a result, they may react by hitting.

In this case, you or your child’s other parent may benefit from a parental support consultation. It can help you be more emotionally available for your child and may lessen these behaviours.

Things to keep in mind

• Hitting should not be ignored or minimized, even if no one gets hurt.
• Your child needs to learn to express big emotions in acceptable ways.
• With your support, your child will gradually learn to react without hitting.

Scientific review: Solène Bourque, psychoeducator Research and copywriting:The Naître et grandir team Updated: February 2026

Photo: iStock.com/Yarinca