How to deal with a child who won’t stop arguing

It’s normal for a child to push back against rules from time to time. But some children do it more often or more intensely than others. So how should you deal with a child who won’t stop arguing?

Why is your child arguing?

There are several reasons why a child might argue with you a lot. Here are a few examples.

• By age 3, children have a much better grasp of language. They know how to say what they want, and what they don’t want. They also repeat arguments they’ve heard, saying things like, “I don’t want to pick up my toys because it makes me tired.”
• They might be frustrated from having to follow lots of rules and not having much control over their day. Arguing can be their way of standing up for themself and having a bit of power.
• They are more aware of what’s going on around them and more sensitive to perceived injustice. They might say, “Why do I have to go to bed when you and Mommy get to stay up?” Or they might see that you use screens in the evening even though they’re not allowed to; so, they argue.
• It may be a result of their personality. Talkative, impulsive, and outgoing children who like having control may argue more than quieter, more easygoing children. It could therefore be a question of temperament and interest. Also, a child who is further along in language development might argue more.
• The rules may no longer be appropriate for their age. Sometimes, kids may have a point. At 6, for example, it’s normal for a child to want to choose their own clothes. At 7, it makes sense that they don’t want to hold your hand to cross the street.
• They may argue to avoid doing what you tell them or to get what they want. This happens more with children over 5; for instance, they might argue if you refuse to buy them a toy at the store. If you give in just to avoid conflict, it teaches them that arguing is a good way to get what they want, and they will probably keep doing it.
• They might not feel heard. A child who keeps repeating the same request may think you’re not listening or understanding what they mean. This makes them keep trying to express themself in different ways, hoping you’ll understand.

Dealing with a child who argues with you

• Try to figure out why your child is not cooperating. Encourage them to talk about what they want and how they feel. This will help you better understand why they’re reacting this way. When you show interest and let them talk, they’re also more likely to feel heard and may not argue as much.
• Validate their emotions by acknowledging how they feel and what they want. If they want to continue playing when it’s bath time, for example, try saying: “Wow, your game looks like a lot of fun! I understand why you want to keep playing.” This will help your child feel like their emotions make sense. Then, calmly explain the reasons for what you’re telling them. “I know you’d like to keep playing, but it’s getting late and it’s time for your bath.” It’s not a magic solution that works 100% of the time, but if your child feels understood, they may be more cooperative.

• Give them a short and clear explanation for why you want something, so they can understand. For example: “You need to have a good sleep so you have energy for daycare or school tomorrow.” Make sure your child understands what you want but don’t repeat your explanation. You don’t need to explain that they need to brush their teeth to avoid cavities every night—they already know.
• Give your child choices. For instance: “Which pyjamas would you like to wear? The blue ones or the green ones?” Giving them choices makes them feel like they have some control, which can lead to more cooperation and less arguing. However, make sure not to use the strategy to manipulate or control them. For example, giving them the choice to eat their meal or go to their room is a “false choice”: it pressures their decision and doesn’t respect what they actually want.
• Be firm about the essential rules. Safety rules, for instance, are non-negotiable: look both ways before crossing the street, no running while brushing your teeth, don’t go in the pool without an adult, etc. If you’re inconsistent, your child will be more likely to resist and try to negotiate. But it’s also good to remember that the rules should be age-appropriate and reflect their development. It’s okay to stop holding their hand to cross the street when you feel they’re ready, for example.
• Stay calm and stick to your limits, without overexplaining. It’s better to state things clearly and calmly than to get frustrated and raise your voice. Try something like: “I’m done repeating myself. You know what I asked. Even if you keep asking, the answer won’t change.” At that point, you can stop responding to the arguments and end the back-and-forth.

Things to avoid with a child who argues

• Avoid arguing with them. If you repeat your explanations or respond to every point they make, things are more likely to escalate. Answering each of their arguments tells them the negotiation is still open. You can say something like, “You know exactly why I’m asking you to do this. The conversation is over. I’m the parent, and this is my decision.”
• Avoid making threats. When you say things like, “If you don’t put your toys away, they’re going in the garbage,” it creates a sense of fear and frustration, which won’t make your child want to cooperate. Also, if you don’t follow through on what you say, they’ll learn that your words don’t carry consequences and that they don’t need to listen to you.
• Avoid bargaining. When you say things like, “If you get dressed now, you can have 10 more minutes on the tablet,” it teaches kids they can always negotiate to get more privileges.

How to tone down the arguing

If you want your child to argue less, try easing their frustration. Here’s how.

• Try to spend a bit of quality time with them every day. That could mean playing a quick game, cooking together, doing a puzzle, or reading a story. These moments ofconnection help strengthen your bond and shows them how much they matter to you. They’re more likely to cooperate when their emotional needs are met. Quality time can be as simple as listening to them talk about their day or being impressed by a somersault they’ve mastered.

• Make your requests clear. Shorter and more specific instructions leave less room for arguing. They also make it easier for your child to understand what you expect. “Put your boots on the mat” is much clearer than “Pick up your stuff in the hallway,” for example.
• Help your child recognize and name their emotions. This can make it easier for them to understand their reactions. Give them suggestions to help them identify their feelings. You could also ask them to draw what they feel: this gives them another way to express what’s going on inside them. Then, talk about their drawing and the emotions it depicts: for example, “That monster is really big and looks very angry. It’s scary!” This could help teach your child to tell you how they feel instead of arguing.
• Try role-playing, with you as the kid and your child as the parent. Your child will probably enjoy bossing you around and saying things like, “It’s time for your bath! Put your toys away! Stop running!” You can respond as they would: “I don’t want to. Why do I have to take a bath and you don’t?” Playing the one in charge can help them handle real situations where they need to follow rules or do what you ask.
• Praise your child when they follow an instruction without arguing. For example: “Wow! You put on your pyjamas without arguing, even though you didn’t want to. I love when things go smoothly like that. It makes everything nicer.” Positive feedback encourages your child to repeat the good behaviour. If they see that things at home go more smoothly when they cooperate, they’ll be less likely to argue.

When should you worry?

Some kids constantly push back against their parents, refuse to follow any instructions, and seem to thrive on conflict. If things aren’t improving despite your efforts, and your child is also arguing a lot at daycare or school, it could be a good idea to consult a professional (such as a doctor, psychologist, neuropsychologist, psychoeducator or social worker). This behaviour could be a sign of oppositional defiant disorder.

Don’t hesitate to seek help if you’re feeling overwhelmed or just need support. Reach out to your local CLSC, call Info-Santé 811, or contact the Ordre des psychologues du Québec for referrals.

Things to keep in mind

• A child may argue for a variety of reasons: to express disappointment, frustration, or a sense of injustice, to avoid doing what is asked of them, or to get what they want, etc.
• When your child argues with you, it can be helpful to acknowledge what they are feeling and what they want. Feeling heard and understood can encourage them to cooperate more and argue less.
• Explain your rules to your child clearly, and use short, specific requests that are easier to understand and give less opportunity for arguing.

Scientific review:  Dr. Benoît Hammarrenger, neuropsychologist Research and copywriting:The Naître et grandir team Updated: April 2025

Photos : GettyImages/Jelena Danilovic et kali9