When a child hits themself

Some children may intentionally self-harm by banging their heads or slapping themselves. For parents, this behaviour can be worrisome. How can you help your child if this happens to them?

Why do children hit themselves?

Most often, a child will hit themself because they feel overwhelmed by their emotions. They’re not yet able to express their needs and frustrations. This may be the case for a toddler who can’t speak yet or a child who is trying to communicate frustration when their parents don’t understand.

Similarly, children who go through stressful experiences may regress and hit themselves if they aren’t able to regulate their emotions.

When a child hits themself, they are trying to feel relief from unpleasant emotions or physical discomfort that they don’t understand. It’s something they do instinctively.

Young children may also bang their heads against their crib rails or on the wall next to their bed. This can be a way to self-soothe so they can fall asleep.

In other cases, children hit themselves because this behaviour results in getting attention or getting something that has been denied to them.

A child who is neglected or abused may hit themself because they’re understimulated. They may also do so because they’ve seen a parent hitting themself or someone else.

Children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or a brain injury may also sometimes hit themselves. That being said, a child who hits themself does not necessarily have a disorder.

At what age do children stop hitting themselves?

This behaviour can start to manifest in babies and usually stops around the age of 5 or 6, once the child gets better at speaking and managing their emotions. It’s also more common in boys than in girls.

How to help your child when they hit themself

Seeing your child hit themself can be upsetting, but remember that a toddler will rarely go so far as to cause serious harm. Here’s how to respond when your child hits themself.

• Stay calm and try not to get angry. Talk to your child kindly in a soft, comforting voice. Put their experience into words to help them understand what’s happening. You could say something like “You’re really angry,” “Feeling frustrated is no fun,” or “I think you’re confused about what’s happening in your body.”
• Stay close to your child during the episode. Don’t worry, this won’t encourage them to repeat the behaviour unless you only give them attention when they’re hitting themself. Your little one needs you to help them understand what’s happening and to calm down. Don’t ignore them or leave them alone. Hold them in your arms or encourage them to be gentle (e.g., take their hand and say “gentle”).
• If your child is banging their head on a hard surface, move them to a rug or carpet if possible and speak to them in a reassuring voice. You can also place a cushion or pillow under their head and say “be gentle,” or position yourself between them and the hard surface. Don’t try to stop your child from hitting themself by restraining them, as this could make them angrier.
• Ask your child what they need to calm down: For example, ask if they’d like a hug, if they need their blankie, or if they want to look at a book somewhere quiet. Some children like being held by their parents, while others don’t. A sensory object (weighted blanket, cuddle ball, etc.) can help calm children who have ASD, who are hypersensitive, or who need to soothe their nervous system.
• Suggest ways your child can regulate their emotions or get their mind off things. For example, try asking “Do you want to run as fast as you can?” or “Would you like me to pick you up?”
• Take note of the time of day your child hits themself and what happens just before. This can help you understand the reason for their behaviour and prevent it. For example, if your child hits themself before meals, it may be because they’re hungry. To avoid this behaviour, serve them a snack to keep them full until mealtime. If the behaviour occurs mostly in the evening or at the end of the day, your child may be feeling tired or overstimulated. In this case, try planning rest periods or breaks throughout the day.
• Suggest activities that will help your child release tension: physical games (e.g., play fighting with you, running, ball games), drawing, or role-playing, for example.

What to do after your child hits themself

• Calmly talk to your child about what they just experienced. For example, you could say, “It seemed like you didn’t understand what you were feeling and started hitting yourself. Were you [angry, disappointed, etc.]?” Then, ask them, “What could we do next time to get your anger out differently?”
• Give your child ideas for how they can express their anger next time: For example, you could tell them to take a deep breath and blow as hard as they can, as if they’re trying to blow out a candle. You could also ask them to punch a pillow or stuffed toy, growl like a dog, scribble hard with a crayon, or say “I’m mad.” Reading books about feelings with your child may also be helpful.
• Help your child understand that their emotions are normal. All emotions, even negative ones, have the right to be expressed with words. That means you shouldn’t punish your child for being angry. However, they do need your help to learn that there are other, healthier ways to express their emotions and that there are some behaviours they should avoid, like hitting themself.
• Talk to your child about what you do to calm down when you’re feeling angry: “When I get angry, I go for a walk to feel better,” “I take deep breaths,” “I write or draw to get my anger out,” etc. It’s important for you to model healthy behaviours for your child.

Things to keep in mind

• A child who hits themself is expressing an emotion or need.
• Your child needs your help to calm down and find other ways to express their feelings.
• Understanding why your little one hits themself will help you respond appropriately and find ways to prevent this behaviour.

Scientific review: Nathalie Parent, psychologist, author, and training instructor Research and copywriting:The Naître et grandir team Updated: February 2025

Photo: GettyImages/laartist