Sexual behaviours in children

It is normal for young children to engage in different types of sexual exploration or play. Preschoolers, toddlers, and babies often touch their genitals, but they do so for different reasons.

Sexual behaviours between the ages of 0 and 3

Babies discover their genitals randomly, while exploring their body. Because babies tend to repeat sensations they find pleasurable, it’s not unusual to witness a baby playing with their genitals.

Children between the ages of 1 and 3 are more aware of their bodies and genital areas. This means they explore their bodies more intentionally, looking for some manner of sexual stimulation. Some children do this in order to relax. For example, they might caress themself after they lie down for a nap before they fall asleep.

Sexual behaviours between the ages of 3 and 5

Children aged 3 to 5 are aware of their bodies and anatomy and are curious to know if other children are like them. Some children will drop their pants to show themself to another child and observe the other. Curiosity is the main reason for these explorations.

Some children don’t just want to get undressed and look at others—they also want to touch or be touched. This behaviour is normal at this age, as children begin to form their first friendships and increasingly seek out interactions with other children their age.

They might also ask questions about the differences between boys and girls and how babies are made. These questions are typical for many children.

Are my child’s sexual behaviours normal?

Since sexual exploration varies from child to child, it isn’t always easy to distinguish normal behaviours from problematic ones. Here are a few guidelines to help you.

• Sexual explorations are usually spontaneous, and children who take part in them should feel comfortable and not pressured. These sexual explorations must not interfere with your child’s daily activities. For example, if they refuse to play with their cousins in the living room, and prefer to go to their room to masturbate, it’s important to intervene by encouraging them to go play with other children.
• Out of curiosity, children sometimes engage in nudity with each other to compare themselves, and some will touch each other. To ensure this activity remains exploratory, the children involved must be comfortable with the interaction and not be forced into it by another child.
• The nature of the activity between the children is also important. More specifically, it should be limited to exploration, such as showing their genitals or looking at each other naked. Generally, it’s also normal for children to touch one another. However, certain behaviours—such as trying to penetrate or kiss another child’s genitals—merit particular attention. At this point, it’s important to figure out where and how your child learned these behaviours, which toddlers shouldn’t know about.
• We also need to consider the age of the child involved in the sexual exploration. For this to remain an exploration, it’s important for the children to be around the same age, which means they’ll be around the same stage in their sexual development. For example, it is normal to see two 3-year-olds touching their penises. However, a 5-year-old boy touching the penis of a 1-year-old would be more disturbing, since these children would not be at the same stage of psychosexual development.
• If your child masturbates, make sure they don’t have any sexual injuries (e.g., significant and regular irritation). Such injuries could indicate a high frequency and intensity of masturbation. In this case, it would be better to limit your child’s masturbation and explain to them that they must take care of this part of their anatomy, just as they do with the rest of their body.

How should you react?

If your toddler is exploring their body or engaging in sexual play, try to stay calm. Young children do not yet know what behaviours are appropriate and which are not, and have not yet learned about modesty. However, it is important to let your child know that certain parts of their body are private and should not be touched by adults or older children. When it comes to exploring with other children their age, it’s important to tell your toddler that if they’re uncomfortable, they must tell the other child and move on to a different game.

When your baby or very young child touches their genitals at inappropriate times, simply remove their hand or draw their attention to something else. Even if your child is very young—even if they’re a baby—you can explain to them that they’ve discovered their genitals, but that it’s better to do something else while you’re together.

For a preschooler, it’s best to explain that self-stimulation (masturbation) should be done in private, such as their bedroom or the bathroom. Avoid comments that may lead to feelings of shame and guilt.

Reactions to avoid

• Don’t make a fuss or laugh at them if they touch themself. Since they’re in the process of discovering their body, such a reaction could affect them. It’s better to tell them that it’s okay to touch themself, but that it should be done in private, because sexuality is an intimate thing.
• Don’t negatively judge your child or make them feel guilty for touching themself (”You’re not allowed,” ”That’s dirty,” etc.), and don’t threaten them. This attitude can lead your child to repress this side of themself, causing them to develop a sense of shame about sexual pleasure, which can lead to difficulties with sexuality as an adult.
• Refrain from making inappropriate threats such as: “If you touch it too much, it will fall off,” or “It’s going to get cut off!” These can have significant psychological consequences.
• Conversely, providing no guidance, or talking too much about a particular sexual behaviour in an effort to provide a liberated education might encourage your child to repeat that behaviour often and cause sexual overstimulation.

Be prepared to answer certain questions about sexuality that children usually ask. You can find good books about the subject at bookstores and libraries. These can help you approach the issue in a fun way, as if you were telling a story. If you have access to a wide range of books, choose the ones you like the most, that don’t make you uncomfortable. (See our suggestions below.)

If you are concerned about your child’s sexual behaviours, speak with a doctor. If you fear that your child has been sexually abused, contact the Director of Youth Protection (DYP) or your CLSC.

Things to keep in mind

• As toddlers being to explore their bodies, it’s normal for them to touch their genitals.
• Young children are curious about others’ bodies and may want to see or touch the genitals of other children their age.
• If you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour, consult a doctor, your CLSC, or the Director of Youth Protection (DYP).

Scientific review: Geneviève Parent, sexologist and psychotherapist Research and writing: The Naître et grandir Team Updated: December 2019