Learning to share

Sharing is an essential skill for getting along with others, but it’s a challenging concept for young children. Read on to learn about teaching your child to share.

Why is sharing difficult for kids?

Sharing is a difficult concept for a child to understand. When children first show an interest in the objects and toys around them, they can’t tell the difference between things that belong to them and things they simply want. As soon as they get their hands on a toy, they think “Mine!” rather than “I really want to play with this!”

Children don’t really understand what sharing means until age 4. Even at age 5 or 6, many kids are still getting the hang of it.

To help your child understand sharing, try bringing them to places like the playground where they can play near other children without necessarily interacting with them. It’s a great way for them to get used to other children and start to socialize.

At what age do children learn to share?

Before age 2

Before the age of 2, when a child decides they want something, all they know is that they want it right away. They believe that everything within reach belongs to them. In order to distinguish between what’s theirs and what’s not, they first need to develop self-awareness.

At this age, while children enjoy being around other kids and want to do what they’re doing, they prefer to have their own space and toys. A child gradually realizes that they’re a separate person with their own identity as they get older. They feel threatened when other kids touch their toys, especially those they’re very attached to, like a favourite teddy bear or doll.

Around age 2

Around the age of 2, children begin to understand that some toys belong to them, while others belong to their playmates.

However, they still have trouble grasping the concept of borrowing. They may not always understand that when a child borrows their toy, they will get it back later. They may have an easier time swapping toys, since they get something in return.

Around age 3

By age 3, children are getting better at expressing themselves. They may pick up phrases like “I want this toy, please” or “May I borrow this?” It’s also easier for them to wait their turn to play with something or to lend their toys when they aren’t using them.

At this age, kids seek out and enjoy playing with other children for short periods. They spend much of their playtime focused on things like who has what toy, who’s playing what, and whose turn is coming up. This helps them develop the skills they need to make friends.

Around age 4

At age 4, children are beginning to understand the concept of sharing. They’re better at communicating and sharing toys, and they enjoy giving and receiving.

They also understand that sharing helps them make friends and have fun with their peers. With every positive sharing experience, they become more inclined to share things with others and gradually gain a sense of trust.

In addition, their language skills are continuing to improve. They’re getting better and better at verbalizing their emotions instead of acting out (e.g., biting, throwing things). This is an early sign of maturity and emotional self-regulation.

Around age 5

At this age, children are a little better at considering other points of view but remain very self-centred. With help from a grown-up, they’re able to understand that if an object is special to them, it may also be special to another child. While they lack some of the skills required to resolve playground conflicts on their own, they’re more receptive to what other kids have to say.

Beyond age 6

Past age 6, children are exposed to sharing in various activities. In team sports, for instance, they learn to pass the ball to their teammates, while at school, they learn to share art supplies and other materials. At this stage, they should be able to make requests like “Pass me the ball” or “Could I borrow those scissors when you’re done?”

They also develop a need for assertiveness and control, and they’re able to negotiate when and what they want to share. This may even include setting conditions—for example, “I’ll share my new book with you, but only if you put it back in my room when you’re not reading it. Otherwise, you can’t borrow it.”

Negotiation is beneficial at this age. When a child successfully negotiates the terms of sharing with someone else, they gain self-confidence. When sharing goes well, they also feel a sense of security and accomplishment, which makes them open to sharing again in the future.

Kids who aren’t inclined to listen to others or who have trouble negotiating may often refuse to share. In this case, an adult may need to step in, for instance by helping them speak in turns so they can calmly work out how to share something with another child. The adult can also propose solutions if the children have a hard time doing so on their own.

How to encourage your child to share

It takes time for children to warm up to the idea of sharing, so it’s important to be patient.

• Give your little one space to play near other kids while still having room for their own toys and games.
• Name what belongs to your child (e.g., their clothes, their toys, their bed), what belongs to their siblings, and what belongs to the whole family (e.g., the household TV, the bathroom hand soap). This will help your child understand the concept of ownership.
• As soon as your child can talk, teach them phrases that will help them connect with others, such as “Do you want to play with me?,” “Can you lend me your ball?,” “That’s mine,” and “That’s yours.”
• Help your child put themselves in other people’s shoes by talking about how they feel and how other people feel. For example, you could say, “You’re happy when you play with your doll,” or “Your friend is sad because he doesn’t have a toy.”
• Praise your child when they succeed at sharing and taking turns. One way to do this is by describing the other child’s emotions: “Look, your friend is smiling! She’s so happy you let her play with the ball.”
• If your child is eyeing a playmate’s toy, distract them with another fun object or game. Ask if they’re interested in borrowing the toy (e.g., “Do you like that ball? Shall we ask if we can play with it for a bit?”), and if they’re little, help them formulate a question (e.g., “Could we borrow your ball to play with?”).
• Show your child how to swap items (e.g., lending their friend a doll for something in exchange). For example, if they and another child are each playing with a toy car, ask if they want to swap so they can try playing with a different-colour car. After a few minutes, suggest another swap so they can have their original toy back.
• If your child is fighting with a playmate over a toy, help them find a solution instead of resolving the conflict yourself. This will help them learn to settle arguments. If you think they need some guidance, give them a choice: “Do you want to ask her for a different toy in exchange, or would you rather lend her your toy in five minutes?” Your child can then decide what to do.
• If there are lots of other kids around and your child finds sharing difficult, suggest an activity or game that can be played solo. You can also gradually expose them to that type of situation; make sure they’re able to take short breaks away from the other children so they can keep a handle on their emotions and maintain a sense of security.
• Avoid punishing your child if they refuse to share or take turns. It’s important to be encouraging and to acknowledge when they make an effort so that sharing remains appealing to them.
• Lead by example. If you share with your child, they’ll learn to do the same and share with others voluntarily.

How to avoid bickering when your child doesn’t share

Here are a few strategies to help you limit disputes while your child is learning to share:

• Don’t force your child to play with others if they don’t want to. Instead, point out what the other kids are doing.
• Give your child time to enjoy a new toy on their own before asking them to share it.
• Don’t force your child to share a toy they’re especially attached to (e.g., their favourite teddy bear or doll). However, you can encourage them to lend other toys.
• Put away your child’s favourite toys when you have other kids over. They’re entitled not to share items that are very important to them.
• Organize play dates in public spaces, like parks or playgrounds.
• Try to avoid situations where your child is exposed to a lot of other kids. It’s easier to ensure smooth interactions in smaller groups. When your child has positive experiences with lending and sharing, they’ll feel more comfortable doing so again in the future because they know that it will go well.

Things to keep in mind

• Before age 4, it’s normal for children to have difficulty sharing.
• Your child needs to develop empathy, be able to clearly communicate their expectations, and learn how to take turns before they can share.
• To encourage sharing, point out how happy it makes the other child when your little one lends their toys.

Scientific review: Andréane Ringuette, psychoeducator Research and copywriting:The Naître et grandir team Updated: October 2024

Photo: GettyImages/kate_sept2004