Understanding crying and yelling

When a toddler gets angry, screams, and cries after being denied something, we often call it a tantrum. But is this always the case?

Crying and yelling before 18 months

When a baby cries to be picked up, they’re not having a tantrum. Their brain isn’t yet developed enough to figure out what they want and find ways to get it.

Crying is their way of expressing their need for comfort. When you respond to that need, you help your baby calm down and feel safe. You’re helping them feel more confident. It shows them they can rely on you.

Crying and yelling after 18 months

From about 18 months to 2 years of age, toddlers start to develop a strong desire to be autonomous. They also start to have preferences for certain things. When told “no,” they might react by crying or yelling. That’s because they don’t yet have the words to express how they feel.

After the age of 2, toddlers will sometimes cry and yell to get something they want. They may push back or act out to show disappointment or frustration. They might say “no,” yell, or ignore you to show they’re upset. They may also simply say “no.”

As they get older, children need to learn what is allowed and what is not. They also need to understand that boundaries are there to keep them safe and well; for example, holding a parent’s hand in a parking lot or limiting how many sweets they can have. These rules should be consistent.

Between the ages of 2 and 5, children may also cry as a way of letting out intense emotions they don’t fully understand or know how to express. This is often the case if they’re still developing their language skills.

Your child needs support to calm down. They need to feel like they can count on you if they cry. Crying isn’t a tantrum, but a learning journey towards emotional maturity.

Understanding your child’s needs

Observe your child and ask questions to better understand what’s making them react. You’ll then be able to better understand their needs. Are they tired? Do they seem worried or scared? If your child refuses to enter a room full of strangers, for example, they might be feeling scared. They might just need some reassurance.

Your child may also cry or yell to express a want. For example, if they cry for a cookie instead of fruit, they’re expressing a preference. Their need is to satisfy their hunger, but what they really want is a cookie.

In these situations, try to name their need. Whenever possible, offer them choices that meet it. For example, you can say: “You’re very hungry right now. Here are some things you can snack on before dinner.”

It also helps to reassure your child by letting them know when you can meet their want. If it’s not possible, explain why. For example, you can say: “You want a cookie, but it’s not snack time right now because you won’t be hungry for dinner. If you still want one after dinner, you can have one then.”

In some situations, it can be tricky to decipher if your child is expressing a need or a want. For example, if your child has a tantrum while you’re dressing them, it might not be a tantrum. They could be reacting this way for several reasons:

• You didn’t put their clothes on in the usual order. This change disrupts a routine that gives them a sense of security.
• They feel uncomfortable but can’t put it into words. Some children are sensitive to the feeling of clothes on their skin (e.g., tightness, scratchy fabrics).

How to respond to different situations that can lead to tantrums

There are many everyday situations that can cause your child to get angry or cry when they don’t get what they want. Here are a few examples with suggestions for how to respond.

• You just poured water into a blue cup for your child. They scream and cry and point at the yellow cup.
  How do you react? Tell them that they can have water in the yellow cup next time.
  How to prevent it. Offer them a choice beforehand. For example: “Do you want your water in the blue cup or the yellow cup?” Giving your child a say helps build independence and confidence.
• Your child often throws tantrums at the grocery store to get candy.
  How do you react? If they throw a tantrum, reassure them and help them calm down. Once they’re calm, gently but firmly remind them of the rule. Name their emotion to help them feel heard. “I understand you’re disappointed. Candy does taste really good. But we’re not buying any today.”
  How to prevent it. Before heading to the grocery store let your child know that you won’t be buying candy. You could offer them a different choice, like picking out a cereal.

• Your child refuses to get dressed before leaving for daycare. They yell and cry as soon as you get them dressed.
  How do you react? Help them calm down by taking deep breaths together. Let them get some frustration out by moving around. If you need to, step away for a moment to give them space. Once they’ve settled down, go back and help them get dressed. Then say something like, “I know you’d rather stay home, but your friends are waiting for you at daycare.” You could also let them choose which item of clothing to put on first.
  How to prevent it. Give your child a heads-up when it’s almost time to leave. Remind them of the next step, like putting on their jacket and boots. Making transitions more predictable can reduce the likelihood of a tantrum.

Things to keep in mind

• When a baby cries or yells, they’re expressing a need; not throwing a tantrum.
• Pay attention to your child and ask questions to better understand what’s making them react.
• Naming your child’s emotion and helping them calm down helps them feel seen and understood.

Scientific review: Andréane Ringuette, psychoeducator Research and copywriting: The Naître et grandir team Updated: March 2025

Photo: GettyImages/emholk