Having a child means embarking on an adventure full of discoveries, challenges ... and surprises! Many new parents are caught off guard by certain aspects of parenthood and the magnitude of the task, even if they’ve done their research. Experts explain why, and six parents reveal what they wish they had known before their baby was born.That I would feel fatigue like never before.
“I thought I was tired before. Then I had my daughter. That’s when I learned what tired really was. I could have fallen asleep on the dryer folding laundry,” says Kim St-Michel, mother of 4-year-old Clara. As for Alexandre Veillette, father of Emma, 4, and Florence, 1, he knew he wouldn’t get much sleep in the beginning. But he didn’t expect it to go on for this long. “Emma still wakes up at night sometimes,” he says.
To keep up, parents need to find ways to rest during the day. Benoit Perrier, a perinatal care expert, advises parents-to-be to start thinking about it as soon as they’re expecting. “Figure out the minimum number of hours of sleep you need to be functional,” he suggests. “Then, if you can, try to find ways to catch up on sleep during the day.”
“I took naps at the same time as my daughters to make up for the lack of sleep,” says Alexandre. You can also ask someone you trust to look after your baby while you take a bath or go for a walk. In addition, there are community perinatal organizations that offer help at home for a low cost.
That I’d have almost no time left for myself.
“Sometimes, by the time 4 p.m. rolled around, I would realize I hadn’t had time to shower or eat,” recalls Tatiana Biyie, mom of four kids aged 1 to 10. Having a baby means giving your all, especially in the first few months. There are always things to do.
“I’m very active. I like running and hiking. It was hard to have to take a step back from it in the early days with my daughter,” admits Julie Brien, mom of Maxim Lia, 2. It’s true that new parents have to give up some of the freedom they had before having kids. “You might not be able to do all the things you used to, or do them as often,” says psychologist Sophie Laniel. “But it’s still possible to do some of the things that you like.”
“Sometimes, you can rearrange your schedule to squeeze in a little you time,” says Benoit Perrier. For example, one parent can go running in the morning while the other parent and the baby are asleep, instead of going at the end of the day like they used to.
You can also include your baby by signing up for a parent-child activity (e.g., yoga or Stroller Strong fitness classes) or visiting public places where babies are welcome (restaurants, movie theatres, museums, public swimming pools). You can also find a drop-in daycare centre where you can leave your child while you run errands or do an activity.
That breastfeeding isn’t always easy.
“My partner didn’t produce enough milk, and our son wouldn’t latch,” says François Lemieux-Tremblay, father of Jacob, now aged 1. “We had to use a lactation aid. I had assumed that it would just work naturally, so it was stressful.” Of all the sources of stress during his first months with his child, he didn’t think breastfeeding would be one of them.
Laurence Charton, a sociologist interested in the transition to parenthood, points out that breastfeeding is often a learning process that takes time. “When women encounter difficulties breastfeeding, they can feel guilty, especially when they don’t understand why it’s not working,” she says.
Psychologist Sophie Laniel points out that there are support groups and breastfeeding counsellors for just this situation. “For some women, it’s hard to take a step back and seek the help and resources they need. But it’s very important for them to know that they’re not alone,” she says.
That my baby would cry so much.
“I felt powerless,” Alexandre admits, recalling all the time spent trying to console his eldest daughter in the early months. “I wish I’d had a cry decoder that told me ‘she has a tummy ache’ or ‘she’s tired’. I would have known what to do.” Psychologist Nadia Gagnier has a reassuring response for parents: “Just being there to comfort your crying baby, even if you don’t know why they’re crying, brings a great sense of security to the child.”
That said, it can also become difficult to deal with, especially when the crying is intense and lasts for a long time. Benoit Perrier, a perinatal specialist, suggests that parents take turns with their child to avoid getting exhausted. If you’re alone, call someone you trust for support. You can also phone a consultation service, like Info-Social 811 or Première ressource, aide aux parents.
When things aren’t going so well, remember that kids don’t come with instruction manuals and that hard times don’t last forever.
That it can be tough to communicate and divide tasks.
“My partner and I both want what’s best for our child, but we don’t always agree on how to get there,” says François. “When we disagree on how to take care of our son, we take the time to talk it over and find common ground.”
All the experts we interviewed stress the importance of good communication between partners. It’s essential for couples to reach compromises that meet everyone’s needs and expectations, as Tatiana describes. “I felt like I had to carry the weight of all the chores around the house,” says the mother of four. “But it wasn’t my husband putting that pressure on me. I put it on myself.” After sitting down and talking about it, they were able to divide up chores more fairly.
“To communicate effectively, parents need to be kind to each other,” says Nadia Gagnier. “The goal is to express yourself in a constructive way, without pointing fingers or judging the other person,” says the psychologist.
That I was going to need so much help.
For parents whose families live far away, it can be hard to find help. “I have family in Nigeria who were able to help me out with my son. But now that I’m in Quebec, I have to do everything on my own. Having no family to help out and no friends to turn to has certainly made things more complicated,” says Kosiso Ajaefobi, mom of 3-year-old Elijah.
Benoit Perrier suggests that parents without a robust support network, or who feel isolated, turn to family support organizations (family community organizations, perinatal resource centers, CLSCs) for help.
As for Julie, who is a single parent, she hasn’t hesitated to ask her loved ones for help with housework and meals, for example. She’s made sure to cycle who she asks, because she doesn’t want to overburden anyone. “No one has ever judged me,” she says. “Quite the contrary, everyone’s said they had my back.”
However, Perrier notes that many parents are uncomfortable asking their loved ones for help. “Swallow your pride,” he says. “Don’t wait until you’re at the end of your rope to ask for help.”
Learning to trust yourself
Occasionally feeling guilty, comparing yourself to others, fearing judgment, or trying to do everything perfectly is normal. Over time, however, this can lead to self-doubt. A parent who doubts their capabilities tends to follow their intuition less and be more influenced by other people’s comments. When you’re confident in your abilities as a parent, it helps you be less hard on yourself and see a “mistake” as a learning opportunity rather than a failure.
That everything can’t be perfect and you have to let go.
“We have an ideal of motherhood that isn’t always realistic,” says Tatiana. “When I became a mom, I kept wanting to do things like before. I didn’t realize that I had less time.” Little by little, she learned to let go and accept that everything can’t be perfect. “I realized that it’s normal to make mistakes. That’s how you learn.”
Julie admits that, in the months after she returned to work, she came close to burnout. “I was trying to get back to the life I had before I had my daughter, with the same pace,” she recalls. “But I realized it wasn’t possible.” Now, she takes it easier. As someone who is self-employed, she occasionally turns down contracts to avoid overloading her schedule. And sometimes, housework can wait.
It’s also best to stay away from social media if it puts pressure on you as a parent. “You’ll be able to decide for yourself what your expectations and values are in relation to your role as a parent,” says Benoit Perrier.
That it’s better to be organized, even if you don’t like to be.
“I’m not someone who enjoys planning ahead,” admits Kim, mother to Clara. “I like doing things spontaneously. But once I had a baby, I couldn’t do that anymore. I had to adapt. Planning for bedtime, meals, and everything else . . . It doesn’t come naturally to me.” She found it difficult to always have to react quickly to meet her baby’s needs.
Says Laurence Charton: “Parenthood comes with responsibilities. These include taking care of your child’s physical and psychological well-being.” This means less-organized parents need to adopt a routine. “You may not love the idea of a routine, but your baby needs one. When the days have a predictable pattern, babies feel more secure, and this helps them regulate their emotions,” says Nadia Gagnier.
Kim feels that her role as a mother would be easier if she were better organized. “If only I had an Excel spreadsheet in my head!” she says. Benoit Perrier suggests that less-organized parents use planning tools geared toward families (like shared calendars and shopping lists). In his opinion, future parents should take the time to prepare a postnatal plan during pregnancy: “It helps future parents anticipate their needs and identify the people and resources that can help them meet those needs.” This helps parents find solutions ahead of time, before they’re overwhelmed by emotion and fatigue.
That every child is different.
Alexandre was surprised after his second daughter was born. “I thought my second child would be a carbon copy of the first. How naïve I was! They don’t act the same at all,” he says. In addition to having their own temperament, each child develops at their own pace, explains psychologist Nadia Gagnier. “A child may be ahead in one area, like language, and less advanced in another, such as motor skills,” she explains.
That’s why parents need to think of development milestones as a general road map. “Keep in mind that these are averages,” says Nadia Gagnier. She recommends that parents follow their child’s pace and avoid panicking if they start walking later than other children their age, for example. “However, if you have any doubts or concerns, don’t hesitate to talk to a health care professional,” she adds.