In Quebec, shared custody is the most common type of custody arrangement for separated parents. On the one hand, the child gets to see both parents on a regular basis. On the other hand, the family must reorganize its day-to-day life. How can parents help their child make a smooth adjustment?
By Nathalie Vallerand
Good news: According to the Longitudinal Study of Separated Parents and Stepfamilies in Quebec, a survey of 1,550 parents conducted by Université Laval, 95 percent of separated parents who have opted for shared custody feel that their child is happy.
That said, young children may need time to adjust to their family’s new situation. “It’s normal for kids to react to change in different ways,” says Caroline Paquet, a psychologist and family mediator.
Benjamin, aged 2, sometimes lives with his dad, and sometimes lives with his mom. “After we started sharing custody, he realized pretty quickly that he wasn’t seeing his mom and me as much as before,” says Benjamin’s dad, Daniel Vales. “He started demanding more affection and became clingy. He would also cry when we dropped him off at daycare.”
In Benjamin’s case, it didn’t take long for the little boy to adjust. But separations can be much harder on a child if one parent is distressed, sad, and bitter towards the other, says social worker and family mediator Lorraine Filion. “Parents need to stay composed in front of their child and shield them as much as possible from whatever struggles they’re experiencing with the separation.” If you need to talk to someone, confide in your friends and family, never your child. If things get to be too much, it’s important to get help from an appropriate resource, such as a health professional or support group.
Adjusting to having two homes
Young children are still developing their sense of time, so it’s not ideal for them to be separated from either parent for too long. Cécilia Moreno-Rivera, a mother of four, knows this from experience. She shares custody over three of her kids: 8-year-old Alicia, 6-year-old Caleb, and 5-year-old Loïk. “For the first year, my ex and I went with a week on, week off schedule,” says Cécilia. “But Caleb missed me when he was at his other mom’s, and vice versa. We eventually switched to a 5-2-2-5 arrangement, meaning we alternate between having the kids for five days in a row and two days in a row. It was definitely the right decision.”
Avoid telling your child that you’ll be lonely or sad while they’re with their other parent.
Lorraine Filion believes that shorter custody periods are the best option for children aged 5 and under. “Seven days without seeing Mom or Dad is often too long,” she says. “For some kids, even five days is pushing it.”
However, shorter custody periods mean more back-and-forth between homes. Since transitions are a source of anxiety for many young children, this constant shuffle can lead to oppositional behaviour when it’s time to switch parents.
This happens for several reasons:
- Changing homes can be disorienting. “Everything is different, from the parent to the child’s toys, bedroom, meals, and activities. Having to adapt to a lot of changes is hard for a young child,” says Filion.
- The parents may have a fraught or antagonistic relationship. “Children pick up on their parents’ negative emotions,” says Caroline Paquet. “This can make them feel insecure and make transitions more difficult.”
- The child may not have a strong bond with the parent they’re going to stay with. If one parent has been less involved in raising their little one, the child may get upset about staying with them. As Paquet explains, “A parent bonds with their child by taking care of them and making them feel safe and understood. That requires spending time with the child, playing with them, and being attuned to their needs.”
How should you react if your child doesn’t want to switch homes?
If you’re the parent your child isn’t excited to stay with, try not to take their distress personally, heart-wrenching as it may be. “Remember, it’s not that your child doesn’t love you,” Filion says. “What they’re really upset about is having to leave their other parent and change homes.”
One thing you can do is make a conscious effort to anticipate your child’s needs when they’re with you, spend time with them, and make them feel safe.
It can also help to acknowledge your child’s feelings and tell them what activities you’re planning to do together. You might say something like, “I know you want to stay with Mommy, but now it’s Daddy’s turn to spend time with you. I can’t wait to see you! We’ll start by going to the park after I come pick you up. We’re going to do lots of fun things together, and then in three days, you’ll be back with your mom.”
It’s a good idea for the parent saying goodbye to be outwardly encouraging and supportive during changeovers. It’s something Cécilia does with her kids. “When my ex comes to pick them up, my son Loïk starts crying and says he doesn’t want to go,” she says. “I tell him it’s mamou’s turn to spend time with him, and that she loves him and misses him.” How does her ex react? “She covers him with kisses, tickles him, and tries to make him laugh,” says Cécilia. “Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But Loïk is fine once they’re back at her place.”
If your child gets upset when you arrive to pick them up, avoid getting mad at them or forcibly taking them from your co-parent’s arms. “Ideally, the parent who’s just had their custody time should be the one to hand off the child,” says Filion.
My child left their blankie at their other parent’s house
If your child throws a fit, let them know you understand how upset they are and suggest a placeholder item they can have while they’re at your place. Of course, something like a blankie is often irreplaceable to a child; your little one may refuse to settle for anything less, even if it’s only temporary. If they’re well and truly inconsolable, you can go get the forgotten blankie or ask your child’s other parent to bring it over.
Tips for smoother transitions
- Put up a calendar or chart that shows your custody schedule so your child can see it in black and white.
- Prepare your child for changeovers. “It’s essential to tell them when their other parent is coming to pick them up and to be enthusiastic about it,” says Caroline Paquet. “Don’t pull out their favourite board game with five minutes to go, or they likely won’t want to leave.” Make sure their bag is packed and ready. Don’t forget to pack their favourite stuffed animal or blankie if they have one.
- Don’t drag out goodbyes. “Give your child a kiss, tell them to have fun, and tell them you’ll see them in two or three days,” says Paquet. “Stay upbeat and avoid saying you’ll be lonely.”
- If possible, do changeovers at daycare. “It’s easier on the child because their daycare educator isn’t crushed when they leave,” says Filion. If the swap occurs at a parent’s house and that parent is sad, the child will leave with a heavy heart.
- Establish a “welcome back” ritual. “When your child hasn’t seen you in a few days, they need a moment to reconnect,” says Paquet. “A great way to do that is to kick off their stays with you with the same routine every time.” For example, you can have a picnic in the living room, throw a dance party, or make a drawing together. The key is to give your little one your undivided attention.
Should you contact your child when they’re staying with your ex-partner?
There’s no right answer to this question. Some parents call their child just about every day, while others don’t pick up the phone at all. “This is something both parents should agree on,” says Filion. “But they have to find the right balance: Keeping in touch with their child should never be disruptive to the other parent or their routine.”
It’s okay to ask your child how things went while they were away, but don’t pepper them with questions. “No kid appreciates being interrogated by their parent,” says Paquet. “Asking too many questions will only make your child shut down, like a turtle retreating into its shell.” What’s more, if they sense that you don’t like their answers, they may wind up feeling like they have to choose between you and their other parent.
To protect your child’s well-being, it’s crucial to maintain good communication with your ex. Benjamin’s parents work hard at this aspect of their relationship. “During changeovers, the person handing off sends the other parent a recap of their visit via text,” says Daniel. “We’ll often send each other photos of our son as well. We might disagree sometimes, but we have to pick our battles and keep the lines of communication open. I’ve never forgotten this line I heard at a support group for dads: Once a couple, always parents. That’s reality in a nutshell for parents who share custody.”