By Julie Leduc

“Being a parent comes with a lot of responsibilities, unpredictability, and the challenge of balancing work and family. It’s normal for partners to struggle with dividing household responsibilities,” says Lory Zephyr, psychologist and co-founder of the Ça va maman platform.

There are myriad family responsibilities to divide, ranging from chores (dishes, cleaning, laundry, garbage and recycling, grocery shopping, paying bills) to childcare (bathing, dressing, playing, medical check-ups).

Everything that has to do with managing a household adds to what we call the mental load, and this load also needs to be shared. For example, planning meals for the whole week, organizing a party, or scheduling medical appointments.

Unlike tasks like washing dishes or shoveling snow, which have a clear beginning and end, mental loads linger. “This management work eats up a lot of energy,” says Zephyr. As with domestic chores, it’s the mothers who do most of the work. Couples should take the time to discuss this.

We’ve long been interested in the sharing of household chores. The concept of mental load, however, is more recent, only gaining significant recognition in recent years. Mental load is often harder to share than daily tasks. Here is the experience of two real-life families.

Chloé and Dominique, parents of Willy, 20 months, and Nora, 3 ½ years, work as a team to get everything done. “We both work full-time on a similar schedule, 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m., so we try to share the load as much as we can,” says Chloé.

In the morning, each parent gets one child dressed. Mom takes them to daycare and Dad picks them up at the end of the day. “Once we’re home from work, Chloé looks after the kids while I make dinner,” explains Dominique. “Then she does dishes and laundry while I handle bathtime.” On weekends, they try to do a few chores with the kids, like raking leaves in the yard. They have a big calendar on their fridge to keep track of appointments, parties, and activities. It helps them share the mental load, since they can both see what’s coming up and plan who’s doing what together.

For Vanessa and Guillaume, parents of Mila, 3, and Livia, 7, family organization is a bit more complicated. Mom has two jobs that keep her busy 45 hours a week, and Dad works alternating day and night shifts. Family tasks include regular medical check-ups for their eldest daughter, who was born very premature and has special needs.

A year ago, the couple realized they needed to rethink how they were sharing household tasks and mental load. “In addition to Livia’s appointments, cleaning, and laundry, I was in charge of household repairs and maintenance because I’m handy,” says Vanessa. “I also managed the finances, did a lot of the driving for our girls, and scheduled babysitters when our irregular schedules required it. It was too much!” Guillaume, who was responsible for planning and preparing the meals, thought the work was being evenly distributed. “He couldn’t see the mental load that was weighing me down,” says Vanessa.

The weight of mental load

Mental load refers to the handling of essential family activities. It’s taking on tasks and responsibilities that aren’t necessarily connected, but which still have to be dealt with. For example, figuring out who can look after the children one evening, planning supper for that evening, making sure you have the ingredients, remembering to confirm a dentist’s appointment later in the week, etc.

Because these tasks mainly happen in our minds, they’re invisible. “This is what makes mental load so complex,” says Isabelle Courcy, assistant professor in the Sociology department at Université de Montréal. When the laundry is done, everyone can see it. But when you schedule a medical appointment, it isn’t always apparent. “When it comes to mental load, we need to recognize that it calls on several skills, including management, planning, organization, and memorization,” adds Courcy, who led a report on mental load and its effects on women’s health and well-being.

This work can become a heavy burden, especially if it isn’t shared. Vanessa’s mental load brought her and her partner to the brink of separation. “We took a four-month break with shared custody,” she confides. “Guillaume then had to make arrangements to take care of the girls on certain days, go to appointments with Livia, and find a babysitter when he had to work overtime. On his first morning with the girls, he sent me a message: “Wow, I don’t know how you managed to always be on time!’”

Signs of mental overload

Mental load that’s unevenly shared is associated with greater dissatisfaction in a relationship, which can lead to separation. Furthermore, too heavy a mental load can cause fatigue, trouble sleeping, and stress. It can also trigger anxiety and depression.

Psychologist Lory Zephyr notes that when a parent is overwhelmed with mental load, it can undermine their sense of competence. For example, “a mom who carries a greater share of the mental load can become exhausted. As a result, they may avoid doing certain things as a parent, feel guilty for not doing some things as well as they think they should, and thinking less of themself.”

According to Zephyr, signs of overload including constant exhaustion, irritability, and a loss of pleasure in activities you used to enjoy. “Bathtime with my girls, which was usually a time I enjoyed, had become a chore,” admits Vanessa. “That’s when I realized something had to change.”

Nowadays, fathers are more involved in family life, but mothers still take on a greater share of the burden.

In 2022, Quebec women spent an average of 3.4 hours a day on household tasks and childcare, compared to 2.4 hours a day for men. Almost nothing has changed since 2015: Women spent an average of 3.5 hours a day then compared to 2.5 hours for men.

“It’s estimated that mothers take on over 60% of domestic tasks, including childcare,” says sociologist Isabelle Courcy. Even when both parents work full-time, mothers do more at home.

“For example, studies done during the COVID-19 pandemic showed that even when both parents worked full-time from home, the mother remained the primary caregiver,” Courcy adds.

Unequal and gendered division of labour

The 2022 Québec Parenting Survey, a survey of over 19,000 parents, also shows inequalities in the sharing of responsibilities. Among the parents surveyed:

• 61% said task sharing is roughly equal, although still gendered. More mothers than fathers handle meals, laundry, housework, and shopping all of the time or most of the time. Fathers are more likely to handle home maintenance and car repairs.
• 52% of parents say that they split childcare responsibilities equally or almost equally. However, 69% of mothers say they always or most often stay at home with their children when they’re ill, compared to just 10% of fathers.

Why do these inequalities persist?

“There are still stereotypes in the way women are socialized,” notes psychologist Lory Zephyr. From childhood, girls are encouraged to take care of others, as society expects them to do. “Women take on this responsibility because they find it rewarding,” she continues.

Some mothers also put pressure on themselves to perform, which isn’t conducive to sharing responsibilities, she adds. “They think that to be a good mom, they have to manage everything,” says the psychologist. “I see moms in my office who are afraid of being judged, or who judge themselves if they don’t take charge of everything to do with family and home.”

On the other hand, there’s the still-present norm of the “good worker,” often represented by a man, who is dedicated to his work and always available for his job, points out sociologist Isabelle Courcy.

Amélie Châteauneuf, social worker and author of the essay Si nous sommes égaux, je suis la fée des dents : réflexions et outils pour mieux partager la charge mentale (available in French only) points the finger at inequalities on the job market. “Women are still paid less than men and are over-represented in part-time jobs,” she says. “Yet studies show that women who earn less feel they have to compensate by doing more chores around the house.”

These inequalities lead parents to adopt stereotypical gendered roles. “If a parent has to be more available to look after a child, it’s often the person who earns less, usually the mother, who will reduce her hours,” says Courcy.

This unequal division of labour also has consequences for mothers’ well-being, points out Châteauneuf. When women take on the majority of household tasks and the mental load, they have less time to take care of themselves and their health. “There are women who skip doctor’s appointments or wait until the last minute to see a doctor because they don’t have the time,” laments the social worker. “And some women return to work after maternity leave, only to find themselves on sick leave a few months later. They’re exhausted because they keep doing the same amount of labour at home even though they’re working.”

What exactly is a fair division of household work and mental load? “Fair isn’t necessarily a 50-50 split,” explains psychologist Lory Zephyr. “It’s up to parents to find what works best for them as a family.” That said, there are a few general guidelines that should be followed. “It’s less about the number of tasks and more about the time it takes to do them,” says social worker Amélie Châteauneuf.

For example, chores that are traditionally seen as women’s work tend to take more time and recur more often than typical men’s chores. Cooking every evening is not the same as taking out the garbage once a week. Parents should take this into account when dividing up the labour.

Furthermore, both parents need to be comfortable with the distribution. Boring or difficult tasks, for instance, shouldn’t always be done by the same person. “The goal of equitable distribution is that neither parent is frustrated with the outcome. They both have to be involved,” says Zephyr.

Certain contexts make it easier to find a fair balance, such as when the father takes paternity or parental leave after baby is born. “Fathers who are present from the start develop their parenting skills and learn what needs to get done,” points out Diane Dubeau, associate professor in the Department of Psychoeducation and Psychology at Université du Québec en Outaouais, who has conducted research on father involvement. These dads tend to be more involved in household chores and childcare as a result.

This was certainly the case for Dominique, who took 16 weeks’ leave when his two children were born. “I wanted to get involved early so our children would know that I was as much a part of their lives as Chloe was,” he says.

Diane Dubeau points out that sharing responsibilities is easier when both parents have similar values about parents’ contributions to the family. “We see ourselves as two working parents with equal parenting roles,” says Chloé. “It’s up to both of us to fulfill our roles.”

The benefits of better sharing

The whole family benefits from an equitable sharing of responsibilities. It minimizes stress on the parents and strengthens their relationship as a couple. The benefits also extend to parent-child relationships. “A parent who is less occupied with tasks and mental load is more available to talk, play, and laugh with their child,” explains Zephyr. What’s more, by dividing tasks and responsibilities in a fair manner, parents are providing their kids with a positive model of gender-neutral sharing.

Sharing childcare responsibilities also gives both parents a chance to develop their skills. “Our children don’t always go to their mom for help,” says Dominique, proud dad to Willy and Nora.

According to Zephyr, it also promotes the individual well-being of the parents. “A mom who doesn’t have to constantly take care of everything for everyone has more free time to go for walks, see friends, and invest in other parts of her life.”

An equitable distribution of responsibilities between parents can even have a positive impact on the job market, claims sociologist Isabelle Courcy. “Parents who share home responsibilities are less preoccupied and more effective at work,” she says.

Solutions for an equitable division of labour

Isabelle Courcy stresses that in order to come up with a fair solution, both parents need to understand that they’re equally responsible for childcare and family chores. “Don’t wait for your partner to tell you what to do or delegate responsibilities to you.You both have to take initiative.”

Practical tips

• Discuss task sharing and mental load at a time when you won’t be disturbed. This is a conversation that requires energy and can take several days. “If you need motivation, just remember that you’re doing this for the good of your family,” says Amélie Châteauneuf.
• Make a list of all the things that need to get done. Be sure to include the responsibilities involving mental load. To achieve this, you and your partner should write down everything you do, think about, plan, and organize for the family. Tools are available online and in books on the topic to help you compile a comprehensive list, like those in Châteauneuf’s essay (see Resources section).
• Sort through the tasks to decide which are the most important for your family. You can let go of chores you don’t consider necessary (e.g., making the beds every morning, vacuuming every week).  “This process helped us let go a little in terms of housework and take a close look at our standards,” says Vanessa. “Our house isn’t always tidy and we’re not perfect, but we’re ok with that. It’s lightened our mental load.”
• Allocate the tasks, taking into account how long they will take and how often they need to be done. “Start with your strengths and preferences,” suggests Lory Zephyr. “Then, work on divvying up the tasks that aren’t as appealing.” Tools such as a calendar, family planner, or task management app (e.g., Trello, Todoist, Remember the Milk) can be useful for keeping track of what needs to be done and who needs to do what.
• Think of your tasks as projects, with the designated parent in charge of coordinating all aspects of the work. This helps share the mental load. For example, if a parent is in charge of the “supper” project, they don’t just cook: they also plan the meals, make the grocery list, and do the shopping.
• Accept that the parent responsible for a task may do it in their own way. To keep frustration at bay, agree to get things done on time (e.g., finish the dishes before going to bed, register your child for an activity before the deadline). Beyond that, let your partner work in their own way and at their own pace. You can also have regular check-ins to keep irritants from building up.
• Acknowledge your partner’s contribution and effort as a way to encourage them. “Nobody is born a parent, they become one,” says researcher Diane Dubeau. “You develop your skills over time. As partners, it’s important to support each other and be a team.” For example, simply saying “Thanks for a delicious meal” can have a big impact. “This year, Guillaume decided to call the accountant and take care of our tax returns. I love it when he takes the initiative, and I tell him so,” says Vanessa.
• Give it time. It’s not easy to find the right balance. You’ll need to make some adjustments if things aren’t working well. “Partners have to be patient and flexible. Things won’t be perfect all the time. The important thing is that you’re on the same page and working together,” says Lory Zephyr. And don’t forget to review your plan if your family situation changes. For example, when parental leave ends, the parent returning to work shouldn’t be expected to do everything they were doing while on leave.
• Ask for help if you need it. “Once you start talking, you might realize that you and your partner already have a lot on your plates,” says Lory Zéphyr. “In this case, rethinking the division of work may not be enough. You’ll probably have to get help from friends and family for a few tasks, such as picking up your child from daycare twice a week.”

Source: Naître et grandir magazine, September–October 2025 Research and copywriting: Julie Leduc Scientific review: Nathalie Parent, psychologist

Photos (in order): GettyImages/Katie_Martynova, GettyImages/Zanuck, GettyImages/Aurore Lefevre, Nicolas St-Germain, GettyImages/Wavebreakmedia, GettyImages/Portra. Maé Bonnet